Unraveling the mystery of John Roberts

[scene: Senate office. Charles Schumer bursts in excitedly, waving a small yellow piece of paper]

CS: “Pat! Pat! I found it! After digging through all of John Roberts’ papers, I’ve got the evidence to sink his nomination.”
Pat Leahy: “Lemme see! [pause] Um, where did you find this?”
CS: “It was stuck to the top of one of the briefs he wrote while he was working for the Reagan administration.”
PL: “Chuck, this is a Post-it note. It says: ‘Pick up milk, bread, eggs’”
CS: “Eggs, Pat, eggs!”
PL: “Yeahhhhh?”
CS: “Eggs, as in ovaries? As in turning over Roe v. Wade? It’s all right there, clear as day. Plus it’s obvious that “pick up bread” is a euphemism for taking a payoff. Probably from the Federalist Society.”
PL: “And the milk?”
CS: “Likely related to a case about public breastfeeding. You know how those plaid shorts types are.”
PL: “You may have something here. Let’s demand a full accounting of all of John Roberts’ Post-it notes dating back to his graduation from Harvard.”
CS: “I don’t think Post-it notes have been around that long.”
PL: “Perfect! Prepare the filibuster!”

(Inspired by James Lileks’ “Let’s review what the Left has on John Roberts”)