Iraqi Disarmament Argument
(based on Monty Python's "Argument Clinic" skit)

USA: (Knock)
SH: Come in.
USA: Ah, Is this the right place for disarmament?
SH: I told you once.
USA: No you haven't.
SH: I’ve already disarmed.
USA: When?
SH: Just now.
USA: No you didn't.
SH: Yes I did.
USA: You didn't
SH: I did!
USA: You didn't!
SH: I'm telling you I did!
USA: You did not!!
SH: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Do you mean full disarmament or just a couple of missiles?
USA: Oh, full disarmament.
SH: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
USA: You most certainly did not.
SH: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely disarmed.
USA: No you did not.
SH: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn't.
SH: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn't.
SH: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn't.
SH: Yes I did.
USA: You didn't.
SH: Did.
USA: Oh look, this isn't compliance with UN. Resolution 1441.
SH: Yes it is.
USA: No it isn't. It's just defiance.
SH: No it isn't.
USA: It is!
SH: It is not.
USA: Look, you just contradicted me.
SH: I did not.
USA: Oh you did!!
SH: No, no, no.
USA: You did just then.
SH: Nonsense!
USA: Oh, this is futile!
SH: No it isn't.
USA: I came here for a full accounting for destruction of your weapons.
SH: No you didn't; no, you came here for compliance.
USA: Compliance isn’t just saying “I’ve disarmed.”
SH: It can be.
USA: No it can't. Compliance is revealing and destroying weapons of mass destruction in full view of U.N. inspectors.
SH: No it isn't.
USA: Yes it is! It's not just empty statements.
SH: Look, if I comply with the U.N., I must take say I’ve disarmed.
USA: Yes, but full disarmament isn’t just saying “I’ve disarmed.”
SH: Yes it is!
USA: No it isn't!
USA: Disarmament is an open process. Declarations of de-weaponizing absent records or hard evidence of actual destruction of WMDs is useless.

Pause

SH: No it isn't.
USA: It is.
SH: Not at all.
USA: Now look.
SH: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
USA: What?
SH: That's it. Good morning.
USA: I was just getting started.
SH: Sorry, the inspections are done.
USA: That was never disarmament!
SH: I'm afraid it was.
USA: It wasn't.

Pause

SH: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowing inspections anymore.
USA: What?!
SH: If you want me to allow inspections, you'll have to pass another U.N. resolution.
USA: Yes, but that was never compliance, just now. Oh come on!
SH: (Hums)
USA: Look, this is ridiculous.
SH: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've passed another U.N. resolution.
USA: Oh, all right. (passes 18th resolution against Iraq)
SH: Thank you.

Pause

USA: Well?
SH: Well what?
USA: That wasn't really compliance, just now.
SH: I told you, I'm not going to allow inspections unless you've passed a U.N. resolution.
USA: I just did!
SH: No you didn't.
USA: I DID!
SH: No you didn't.